Is Blue Truck on the radio?

The last two summers of my life have been spent at a Christian summer camp in East Texas.  Some people call it Sky Ranch, but almost everyone who spends a summer there ends up calling it home (so cliché, but SO DARN TRUE).  I think I love this place so much because it’s where my relationship with God completely transformed.  It’s where I went after my freshmen of college assuming I needed to earn God’s approval, but came out discovering grace and the true gospel. Realizing there is literally nothing I could ever do to make Him love me more or less.

A few weekends ago I was back at Sky Ranch working a retreat for high school students. As we were walking outside looking for a spot to hang out, we ran into one of my favorite things: the Blue Truck.  I capitalized the letters because that’s the name of the truck, Blue Truck.  Anyways, this summer, we used that truck everyday.  It was our one-stop source for setting up events, for getting firewood for the campfires, for loading hay bales, and a bunch of other campy things of course!

But over this weekend, when I saw that truck again for the first time since summer, I couldn’t help but laugh.  The truck is and was and forever will be a running disaster.  This summer, that truck fell apart on us.  When we were going to set up night events, sometimes the passenger door would just fly open and all kinds of things (and people) would fall out.  And, in the midst of Texas summer heat, the air conditioner was broken.  It only worked if you hit it just right with a hammer.  But after we hit it too hard, cracking the outer surface of the dash, we went to just hitting it with a commercial sized tape dispenser. Which is ridiculous to think about, and right now I’m laughing just remembering it.

Also, the front bumper is falling off.  Like kind of hanging, almost dragging on the ground.  This is mostly due to the fact that on my very first day as leadership staff last summer, I forgot to put it in park and it rolled into a house on camp (where some of the full time staff and camp managers live….a really proud moment for me, obviously).

One of the headlights is broken, I think that one is thanks to Reagan McDonald, and the bed is filled with spilled tiki torch fluid, sticks, and pine cones for making camp fires every single Sunday night for 11 weeks...(also, this sounds like a fire hazard but nothing bad ever happened, don’t worry). 

The horn is broken and the seats are ripped up so much you can see the metal that the cushion is supposed to surround.  There are no seat belts, but it doesn’t matter because the speed limit is an intense 15 mph…and I kind of doubt the truck could go much faster.

The key would always, 100% without fail, get stuck in the ignition, and I would always have to radio for my partner Kyle to come turn it off.  The tailgate also wasn’t reliable, and could open at will…mostly while we were driving somewhere.  Which was just pretty dangerous honestly.  On Monday nights it was covered in oatmeal from the food fight, and somehow we always managed to spill our water bottles on the inside and get the seats soggy.  There is no rear-view mirror, and sometimes it takes a couple tries before the engine will turnover.

But when I look at the truck, I don’t see its flaws the way someone else driving down the road might.  In fact, I love the imperfections.  And I love that so many intentional conversations went down in that truck.  There were tears and all kinds of disagreements and laughs and pranks that happened in that truck. And as I stood and stared at the truck this weekend, a strange thought popped into my head: we can all kind of relate to this truck.  This truck is honestly a complete mess.  There were days when this truck could hardly function, or wouldn’t start, or got a flat tire, but it still somehow made it through.  Kind of like us.  We're falling apart even when we pretend like we're not, we're weak even when we pretend like we've never shed a tear, we are imperfect and undeserving of Christ’s love, but He still uses us and loves us and gives us grace.  His grace freaking abounds everywhere.  Our lives serve a purpose not because we can amount to anything, but because Christ in us is everything.

I love the Blue Truck and the cool ways the Lord has taught me through it.  I like to picture myself as the truck, and God as the proud owner.  Something He'll never give up on or be ashamed of: us.

Loser

I lose things on a pretty regular basis.  I’m not sure if that’s normal, and I’m not sure if my mom is going to be mad when she reads that…but it’s undeniably true.  Sorry, mom!

So here it is: I’m a loser.

I am a loser in a lot of ways: losing things of monetary value is my forte…like how I recently lost my Chacos, but I’m pretty good at constantly forgetting things too.. “the homework is due BY WHAT TIME YOU SAY??”

But lately, I’ve been learning there are some tangible lessons to be learned in being a loser.  It not only builds character and teaches you to be more responsible, but Jesus uses it in the craziest ways to sanctify us and help us understand his character.

Sometimes, you might actually end up thanking God for making you a loser, or asking Him to help you be more of one. 

Let me tell you a story about why I’m a big loser/loser wannabe, and why I want to become more of a loser, and why Jesus rocks because He teaches us in ways tailored to us that he knows we’ll understand. 

I imagine God smiling about this one.

Going through life this fall semester and what do you know, I’m losing things left and right.  “Anybody seen my journal??” “I can’t find my Chacos!” or my personal favorite: “Guys…I need my keys! I have work in 5 minutes!!” THEY ARE ALWAYS MISSING.  

(Also, side note—as I’m currently typing this, I misplaced my gray KAO Patagonia so if anyone has seen it…that’d be cool if you could let me know…)  

Anyways!!!! I was like, Hey God!!!! I’m losing everything!!!! I’m so frustrated!!!!!! HELP ME GET IT TOGETHER. I’M SHAMBLES 24/7. Literally journaling this and I’m pressing too hard on the paper and my sharpie pen tip thing goes into the pen. What is life.

And then the Lord showed up:

“You’re a loser.”

Not what I was expecting to hear. "God, you’re so harsh. Why would you say that to me??  You’re supposed to be encouraging and stuff!"

“I want you to be a loser.  So you need to trust me, and be more of a loser.”

I didn’t understand, but then it slowly started to click.

The Lord has His own plan, His own way, and His own system of doing things in our lives.  But we won’t be able to see them or realize they are there until we lose our own plans, our own ways, and our own system of doing things.

I am so guilty of planning my own future.  "Ok God, I am taking this class early, then going to graduate at this time, then I’ll do this for one year, and then I’m going to move here.  I would like to travel here, then live there, and after that I’ll be ready for you to lead me to the next step. Love, Chloe"

Does that sound familiar? It’s so funny how I know who God is, I say I trust Him, but He has to continually break my plans and teach me the same things over and over. 

I was trying to think of an applicable verse for this situation, and Proverbs 19:21 just happened to be highlighted (thanks God). A simple and perfect truth, “Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”

What a winner. And a solid reminder that He knows what He’s doing, and doesn’t need our help.

Today, I’m praising God for making me a loser.  How cool that He can use my shambly disarray of a life to point me back to His will, and His plans.

Matthew 16:25

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it”

Lord, show us how to lose our lives, and lose our plans.  We want to be losers for you.

The Good Shepherd

I haven't written a post in so long. I guess that's a sign of a really busy and wonderful semester! And it was!

So, on Tuesday I went on a date.

With God.

He said He was in the mood for Panera so that’s where we went!  I bought Him a mango smoothie, and you guys, He is so generous. He let me drink the whole thing by myself! He didn’t even ask for a sip.   

However, the date started off kind of rough. I was kind of being passive aggressive! 

As we sat down, I didn’t want to talk to Him for some reason.  I sat and stared out the window instead.

I look at the color schemes in nature.  The sky next to the grass, wow.  It’s perfect. I turn and face Him and want to thank Him, but then I remember I’m trying to be mad at Him.

“Where ya been?” I say, folding my arms.

“Where have YOU been?” He says back, folding His arms and tapping His foot.  But when He taps his foot, the whole place starts to shake.  I’m embarrassed and cover my face for a moment.

“OK OK OK!” I say, but I can’t help but laugh because He’s just funny. But then it’s serious again.

“I just want to know where exactly You’re working in my life?  Why can’t I see it? Where was your presence here..or there..or when this happened??”

I stare out the window again.  Same picture.  But the sun is shining brighter.  A cute old couple walks by. 

Distracted.. again.

“Ah. Sorry, I got distracted again, God. But I’m really not that sorry: you made me this way..” I say with a little spite in my voice.

He laughs. I said that to provoke Him and He just laughs!  I can’t catch a break with this guy, He’s not easily angered…He keeps no record of wrongs..the list goes on.

“Are you distracted by My beauty?  What a coincidence, because I’m distracted by yours.” He says.

“I’m not fishing for compliments, God! Why won’t you answer my questions?  Are you even listening??” I'm frustrated. 

He rests His hands on the table and looks me in the eyes.  “I was here, I've always been right here.”

“I didn’t feel you, I couldn’t hear you..” I say then turn away.

“Daughter, you know who I am.  But sometimes you stop looking for me.”

“No God, sometimes I don't know who You are. You’re not here, I get lost and—“

He gently interrupts me,

“I am the bread of life (John 6:35)

I am the light of the world (John 8:12)

I am the gate (John 10:9)

I am the good shepherd (John 10:11)

I am the way, the truth—"

I interrupt Him, “Wait, what was that last one??”

He starts quoting John 10:

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep.."

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me..”

I think it’s ok to doubt where God’s working. Or to wonder if we're actually hearing from Him. Don't we all do it sometimes? 

I  compare my relationship with Him to others or see Him working brilliantly in someone else and wonder if there is enough power to go around.  Is there enough for me God? Do you have time to comfort me, too?  Did You actually say that, or am I making this up? Where are you?

But the truth is, He's there.

The shepherd doesn’t leave His sheep, and when we wander off, He’s waiting.  He remains faithful even when we are faithless.

I’ve recently been so encouraged by John 21 when Jesus appears to His disciples again after His death.  I've had so many questions lately--along with fears and doubts--and I look at this story with so much hope. 

We all know that Peter—the one who Jesus loved—denied Jesus 3 times.  Three times when Jesus was most vulnerable.  That’s got to hurt.

But in John 21 when Peter sees Jesus (for the second or maybe third time) after His resurrection on the beach, Jesus says in verse 12 “Come and have breakfast.”  

He doesn’t shun Peter or remind him of the 3 times he denied him. He invites him to stinking breakfast.

I’m so lucky that Jesus uses broken people. I’m so broken, I’m a mess, but Jesus still takes me to breakfast and says, “I love you”.  He wipes my tears and reminds me that He’s here.  He looks at my anxious heart and says, “be still, and know that I am God.”

I’m so messed up! But God is so faithful. I have so many questions, I lose my hope sometimes, but He is still faithful. I am His little sheep and He is the good shepherd who has to call me back to Him constantly. I wander off but He pats my head as I return time..after time..after time. 

Isaiah 44:22

“I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you”

Used by the Master in 2013

I am totally one of those New-Year's-Goals-makers.  I make a long list every year and tell all my friends to hold me accountable.

"Ok guys, I'm going to get up every morning at 6AM and run 3 miles! YES, for the whole year! It's totally doable!" 

Wrong-o. That didn't happen in 2011, or 2012.  But it wasn't very rational.  

Another goal we also put near the top is Jesus.  We might just write his name first.

New Year's Goals

1. Jesus

2. More time with the fam

3. Be intentional with friendships

4. blah blah blah

5. Remember deodorant (wait, what?)

etc. 

But as long as I got Jesus on there, I'm good.    right?    I mean, Jesus is first so it's ok.  This is what we typically do.

But this morning I read Steven Furtick's (Pastor of Elevation church in Charlotte, North Carolina) blog, and couldn't agree with it more.

"Instead of putting Jesus first, why aren't we incorporating Him into every aspect of our lives?"  In other words, putting Jesus in the middle.

Jesus in my family. Jesus in my friendships.  Jesus in my finances. 

Instead of Jesus being at the top of my list, why aren't I putting him in the middle with everything branching from Him?

Extraordinary things happen when Jesus is not put off as a separate part of our lives. 

Do you ever feel like the Bible has its more popular sections?  Ya know, those verses that everyone has memorized. For example Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Such a powerful truth! We know it, we love it, moving on.

But what about the ones that are just as powerful but we sometimes overlook?  Or maybe ones we haven't even heard before!  And we read it and we're just like, 

"OH MY GOSH GOD IS SO GOOD AND THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW, NOW"

2nd Timothy. It provided me with the previous reaction ^.  In verses 2:20-21, it was one of those WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD/READ THIS BEFORE AND WHY DOESNT THE WORLD KNOW moments, and it's a perfect example of the Lord using us to do extraordinary things:

"In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use.  Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work"

My heart is pounding.  

Through His grace, we can do great things! We can be used for every special purpose! This is all possible when we let Him come into our lives, not as something separate or overlooked, but as the very center.  The center from which everything branches out!

The Lord has the power to mold us from clay into gold vessels that honor and glorify Him! 

This year, 2013, choose to refuse ordinary! Jesus, we are ready for You to use us for great and mighty things that far surpass our expectations for ourselves.

This is His promise to us in our pursuit of holiness!

And if you need some inspiration, remember His words in John 14:12:

"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father" 

Is He the man or what. 

monsters among us

I'm about 97% sure there is an expository writing class that still exists at OU with the title, "Monsters Among Us".  I don't remember exactly what it's about, or which of my friends took the class, but the name sticks out to me for some reason. 

When I heard the name today...my mind went WHOA.  I started thinking about all the "monsters" in my life.  The cool part? I know they exist in the lives of many others as well.  How is this a good thing?  We can learn from each other and point each other to the ultimate MONSTER CONQUEROR...Jesus Christ. 

I think one of the biggest monsters in my life is perfectionism.  Or maybe it's just the biggest monster I can think of (that is conveniently best friends with all my other monsters in my life).  Perfectionism is ugly.  Unlike the cute ones in Monsters INC...

The perfectionist monster holds us back in so many ways.  He tells us we'll never measure up, and that our work is never good enough.  

I stress incessantly about doing certain things a certain way, until I give up and decide it'll never be the way I want it to, so why keep trying?  But the problem here is: "the way I want it to be" is perfect.  

An impossible standard for a sinful human.

Whether it's grades, fitness, or relationships with people...these are only a few of the areas that come to mind where people strive for perfectionism but often fail greatly.  I being one of them.  

There comes a point where your monster stands in-between you and God.  With the monster standing there, there's no room for growth or connection.  

There are so many monsters...  Things that come between us and the Lord...they wedge their way into our lives and then we look at them, scared and surprised (or with hesitation, not wanting to admit it) even though we had the power to destroy it this whole time.  

superiority. Insecurity. Lack of discipline. Laziness. Self-centeredness. Money. gossip. Revenge. Lust. Selfishness. Gossip. judgement.

Maybe you've struggled with one or ALL of these.  I know I've faced SO MANY.  But the absolute coolest thing about monsters is that we don't have to fight them ourselves. Did you hear that? 

WE DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT THEM OURSELVES. I'm not trying to yell but YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS.

This is truth. It's in the word. 

Jehoshaphat's prayer. 2nd Chronicles. There's about to be a victory in Judah, but the only thing the people need to do is pray for God's help, trust in His word, and worship Him.  The Divine Warrior takes care of the rest.

20:12 (ish)

".....We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

20:15 (ish)

".....for the battle is not yours, but Gods"

20:17

"You will not need to fight in this battle.  Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf."

Holy cow, if this doesn't get you pumped up I don't know what will.  We have all these monsters, but we don't have to fight them alone.  We simply give them to the Lord...that's it.  I picture my monsters slowly shrinking into little miniature pieces of dust that I hold up to the sky..and then Jesus blows them away with a glance in my direction.  

He loves us so much he tells us he will fight those battles for us, we need only be still.  The battle is not ours, it's His.  

I just want to encourage us all to find our monsters, and destroy them with the power of God and His word.  Recognize them. Defeat them.

Finally...

Matthew 17:20 (ESV)

Jesus says this to his disciples after they ask him why he was able to cast a demon out of a young boy but they couldn't,

"He said to them, "Because of your little faith.  For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

We have to believe that Christ will destroy these monsters.  Have FAITH, He is powerful.

"Whatever your mountain(monster) may be, speak to it, and it has to move!"

See yuh on the flip side mon-stuhs

He is our portion

When I think back on my childhood, one of the phrases I distinctly remember my mother repeating to me all too often was this:

"Patience is a virtue"

I don't remember any specific instances when she used it, but I do know that it still resounds in my head to this day...so she obviously said it quite often.  Sometimes when I feel myself getting anxious, I still hear her saying it. And I'm thankful for that. 

I'll be the first to admit that I often let the little things bother me.  For example, I noticed when one of my roommates moved my books to a different spot on my bed. "Did you touch my books??" Emily just looked at me like a deer in the headlights.  I laugh at it now, but in the moment I was legitimately annoyed that someone had touched "my books on my bed" waaaa waaaa (cue Debbie Downer music, anyone?).  But it's through these moments that I learn about myself. 

Come on Chloe, don't sweat the small stuff.  

But my impatience stems further than a minor book situation.  In fact, lately I've discovered that my current battle is with time.  I either want it to slow down, so I can finish my homework; or speed up, so I can get back to Sky Ranch in the summer.  

My real home.  When I arrived in Van, Texas, three months ago to be a counselor for middle school girls, I had no idea that my relationship with Christ would change so dramatically.  

Every week my campers talked about how they didn't want to leave camp with a "sky-high"--that feeling of being on fire for the Lord and so close to Him for about a week after camp ends.  Then the fire slowly burns out as camp gets farther and farther away. They said they wanted to keep up in their walk with the Lord.  Continuing to seek His face always, not just during camp or hard times.  

I would always encourage them and reassure them that they didn't have to have a sky-high.  That it is possible to feel close to Jesus while at home.  Little did I know that counselors experience the sky-high, too.   

My impatient heart cries out, 

"I just want to go back to camp, God!  I just want to be so close to You!  This world has nothing for me.  Take me back to the place where I can know you on an intimate level."  Maybe you're experiencing this, too.  Feeling anxious for a place you've left behind.  Maybe coming back to reality or school from a summer that changed your life. Maybe your heart feels frustrated, too. 

In these moments of frustration and impatience, wanting to be back with campers, or co-counselors, or the beauty of that pure and simple camp way of life, God has taught me that He is my portion.  

I say this all the time, but it's true: This world will never satisfy me.  Camp will never be enough.  Yes, camp is so beautiful, but it does not have the power to shape me.  Only He can shape me.  It doesn't matter where I am, or what time of year it is--He will always be the answer, all I have to do is draw close to Him.

One of the most simple verses stood out to me so much the other day, 

"The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him." 

A short and simple verse with a HUGE impact on everything going down right now.  If the Lord is all I have, I have everything I need, wherever I'm at--emotionally, physically, spiritually.  We can approach Him no matter what.  It doesn't matter how distanced or close to Him we feel. 

When we put our hope in Him, He becomes our portion. Which will always be enough.